Leih Hou Ngohge Gatihng...Whatever THAT means!

Here, quite overdue, is the last letter which we received from Elder Bingham, or as he is now called, Elder Bik, since he has a new Chinese name.  He is doing great, as you will see below...

Well week 4 is under way. that means I am 1/4 of the way done with the MTC!
It is great here but I still feel like the day I get in the shuttle going up
to the airport will be amazing.
A lot happened this week. As always, I dont have enough time to write it
all, so I will send you letters with pictures sometime this week.
My Cantonese just keeps getting better and better. I am able to memorize
more vocabulary every day and the grammar is simple. The hardest part of
Cantonese is actually not the tones for me but the fact that in order to
master the language, you pretty much have to learn three languages. There
are Cantonese words, then you have what are called classifiers. They are
basically a whole seperate set of words you have to use instead of the
normal cantonese word in lots of situations. For example, the word for
"that" is "Li-Go". "Go" is just a general classifier for "thing". But if you
were to say "That apple", you would have to say "Li-(classifier for apple)"
followed by the cantonese word for apple.
Before getting here, I heard a lot of people who said my Arabic, Egyptian,
English, and even Spanish would be useful once I get to Hong Kong because of
the amount of people that are from different areas of the world. I was not
expecting to use my languages here at the MTC though. So when I was
"contacted" by Italian elders I was a little suprised. I understood
everything they "taught" me, and they understood all of my responses in
Spanish. Then, we got an elder from Saudi Arabia in our Zone. He speaks
English and is going to an English-speaking mission in the United States,
but I have been able to speak to him all in Arabic (though oddly he speaks
formally using only Modern Standard Arabic, and so I can't use any Egyptian
while talking to him).
I am not the only person who knows multiple languages here though. Elder
Wu's companion (Elder Broderick) is pretty interesting. He is best friends
with an elder in my district. Apparently he went to China for a few months
then decided he wanted to learn Chinese. His best friend says he never saw
him again because he locked himself in his room and all he did was study and
teach himself. He now knows almost fluent Mandarin Chinese and can read
thousands of characters. When he got his mission call to Hong Kong, he
quickly started learning Cantonese. Before he even got to the MTC he pretty
much had the whole language down. So now he has two sided flash cards. One
has the Chinese character of a word and the other... The Japanese word for
it. He has taken it upon himself to also learn Japanese before he even gets
to hong kong. Only his companion and I know though because the rest of his
district already is jealous of the two of them for learning the language
faster than the rest of them. So he does not want to rub it in their face
that he is already on to his next language.
Hopefully my Gwong Dung Wa (cantonese) will be good by the time I leave.
Today we had a contest to who could last the whole day without using any
English at all. One of the teachers will give whoever wins an Incredibles
sticker. So far, I am the only person left. It was pretty easy until I saw
my friend who just got here last week. My companion had to translate. Then I
ran into Dennis at the MTC bookstore and my companion had to translate
again. Then it got really hard when I had to buy stamps. So luckily my
companion came to the rescue again and helped me out. The problem is when I
was asking for eight stamps, He thought I was asking for a pen because eight
and pen are the same word with a different tone. But it all worked out.
So probably the highlight of my week was finding out the meaning of my name.
My name is Bik Mihng Giht (with tones that the computer can't type). The
literal translation is "Emerald Green Light Hero". Or in other words, THE
GREEN LANTERN. Ironic since that is the last movie I saw before I came to
the MTC. I think the mission president must be a comic book fan or something
and got excited because The Green Lantern just came out.
Sunday morning I was in Priesthood Meeting and I don't know exactly what was
being taught, but I remember that for whatever reason, I kept thinking about
how amazing it is that I have the authority to give blessings and perform
other miracles because of the Melchizedek Priesthood. Later that day, I went
to the first floor of our residence with my companion. Elder Levan is a
missionary that was supposed to leave this week, but had an ACL replacement
surgery on one knee and something else done on his other so sometime this
week he is going back home for a couple of months and then resuming his
mission. His companion, Elder Beurs, is ironically going in on Wednesday to
get the same ACL replacement surgery done and he will go home and pause his
mission as well. While we were on the first floor I ran into our Ζone Leader
who said I had come just in time because Elder Beurs had a favor to ask of
me. Saturday I had seen Elder Beurs and told him if he needed anything that
he could just let me know. Apparently when our Zone Leader went to check on
him, Elder Beurs told him he wanted a blessing because he was nervous for
his surgery as well as he was getting pretty sick which made him more
nervous. The part I was not expecting was that he wanted me to give him his
blessing.
I do not remember what I said during the blessing. I just remember it lasted
a lot longer than I thought it would and that the entire time I would start
worrying about what to say and I would pause, let my mind go blank, then
words would just come out of my mouth.
It must have gone well because when I was done, the elders in the room as
well as Elder Beurs were teary eyed or crying and I was just standing there
astonished.
There have been many moments like that where I feel the spirit here so
strong that I feel like falling down because my body just becomes weak and I
dont want to stand anymore. I have always grown up and felt the spirit here
and there, but being a out on a mission and putting all my faith and
everything I possess in God's hands leaves me more vulnerable to experiences
that allow me to feel the spirit daily.
Well anyways, last night me and my companion woke up at one in the morning
and went to the front desk of the MTC to get a bag of ice to refill Elder
Levan's ice machine thing that circulates ice water around his leg.
I have found that serving others not only invites the spirit, but it also
seems like it just makes everything better.
One thing that our teacher talked to us about yesterday that I have always
agreed with was that we do not know what people are going through or why
people do the things they do. He showed a talk Elder Eyring gave to the MTC
a while ago. It talked about a young man who was about to be baptized then
that week he came into what was then Bishop Eyring's office and said that he
had messed up. He was out the night before and had crashed through a
building because he was on some substance against the word of wisdom. While
they were arresting him, he told the cops it was okay because he was going
to become LDS and be baptized so that what he did wouldnt matter. Bishop
Eyring said he could feel the anger and disgust filling him up. But then,
just for a second he saw the boy's face change to the face of a child. He
heard a voice say "Now you have seen him as I see him. He has gone through
more than you can imagine. The abuse and different things this young man has
gone through is beyond your comprehension." Bishop Eyring then started
crying and was filled with love for this boy.
As a missionary, I am going to need to try and feel that love for everyone.
even those who may seem unlovable. I have always been pretty good not
judging others (partly because I have my own faults so who am I to judge
them?) I am grateful for that gift now.
Well I think I have typed about all I can right now. So thanks for all your
letters, I will write back by letter. Thanks for everything!!

And...he's OFF!!!

Hello, to any and all who may read this blog about Elder Jordan Bingham.  At 12:30 this afternoon, June 22nd, we dropped Jordan off at the MTC.  He was so excited, and brave, and ready to start his mission.  It was so fun and made us happy to see all the missionaries who are already there lined up to welcome the newcomers to the MTC.

Anyway, Jordan has asked me to update this from time to time and to throw it up on his facebook as well.  So, we will.

For now, this is Jordan's dad, signing off...

My farewell talk on hope

The topic I was asked to speak on today is hope. At first I was relieved because I thought it’d be an easy topic. But then as I started thinking about what I’d say, I realized I was not even sure exactly what hope is. At first I assumed hope was just the same as a wishful thought, like the equivalent of keeping my fingers crossed. But it is more than a wish. Larry Hiller says the hope we are commanded to have is expectation based on experience.

Romans 5: 3-5 says

“We glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

“And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

“And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.”

In my own life, I have had many trials and I am sure you all have as well. Sometimes these trials give us no option but to try and endure them patiently. The more trials like this that we have, the more times we are forced to endure and rely on God. Once we are able to overcome our trials, we know we have experienced the saviors awareness and love for us. This gives us more experience and knowledge so that as we endure future trials, our wishing that we are able to make it through the trials turns into hope. Because we have more knowledge to base our expectation that we will make it through .

I am a classic example of someone who ran into a tribulation in life and from it have gained more hope. I have always struggled with anxiety and sometimes the depression that accompanies it. But more recently, it plagued me much more than I ever imagined it could. It started in around December around when I was taking my finals after fall semester with an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach for no reason I could think of. Every day it grew worse as Winter semester started, and I would be scared of everything. I eventually stopped going to my classes, refused to wake up to go to Air Force, and wanted to do nothing but run away from everyone and everything. I forced myself sometimes to go to class where I would randomly have panic attacks for no apparent reason. I would close my eyes and try and focus on anything I could to get my mind off of the anxiety. It was so bad that I would cry in random places because I couldn't control my brain, and that scared me. I thought that there was no way even Hell was this bad. The worst part was I could not tell anybody about it because nobody could possibly understand. "It's all in your head and you just need to get over it" was something I heard a lot. My mind would not stop fueling my anxiety. I woke up multiple times with my heart and arm hurting or numb. The first time I thought I was having a heart attack. My heart would palpitate and skip beats all day long, and I never felt comfortable. I envisioned what would happen if I lost my scholarship because of this. Then as it got worse I realized there was no point in having a scholarship because I could not even function enough to walk five minutes to my class. I could not possibly function in society at all. The only places I could go were work and home because for whatever reason they made me feel safe. I felt lonely. Not because I had nobody to talk to or hang out with, but because my mind was doing things that nobody could understand. I thought differently from other people. I realized that it was getting to the point where I couldn't make friends ever or meet new people, and I could not talk to my old friends because all I wanted to do was get away from life, and nobody understood me. I thought I would probably end up on the streets as a hobo because I could not do anything. Thinking about everyone I knew moving on and me only being a memory of the kid who went crazy to them scared me.Needless to say, at the time, ii felt completely hopeLESS.  Then a miracle happened, and after talking to and receiving blessings from bishop miller and president butler, I was able to overcome my problem without the use of medicine, counseling, or anything else contrary to what the psychologist had told me. I was made aware that my anxiety would not permanently go away, but that I would have to work at suppressing it whenever it manifested. One of the happiest moments of my life was when I realized that my biggest roadblock to achieving my dreams had been conquered. Although it was only temporary and I knew that, it gave me hope which, based on my experience, allowed me to have the expectation that when it comes again, I would be able to overcome it just like I did the first time. And this gave me the ability to pull things back together and get  back to my classes and all of my other responsibilities.

I have never understood why people are sometimes grateful for their trials, but after I went through that, which was the biggest trial in my life, I recognized the good it did for me and I can say that I am grateful for it. Your tribulations may be associated with depression, anxiety, a disposition to make mistakes often, or just a single sin weighing over your shoulders, but I have learned that if you can focus on the savior and his love for you, you can overcome any trial and have hope for the future.

In an email while my dad was in Afghanistan and aware of my anxiety, he said this:

I want to share this message with you.  It is not a message of things you should be doing.  It is more a message that may help to strengthen you and provide some insight into what you are going through.  I have thought and prayed a lot for and about you.  I am convinced that much of what I feel to say to you is from a loving Heavenly Father, who is allowing me, as your loving father, to pass along some information.  So, with that, here it goes...

I firmly believe that you are in the middle of a defining moment in your life.  I have been pondering on this fact somewhat and realized that most of us have defining moments that we all must pass through.  The ultimate example, as in most things, is our Savior.  His defining moment, above all others, certainly came in the Garden of Gethsemane.  By enduring what he did there, he became the Savior of the world. 

You are definitely in the middle of a big one in your life.

  

There is no doubt that where you are at this moment in your life is a result of two things:  1) Effort and achievement on your part, and 2)Indisputable divine intervention from your Heavenly Father.  You know of much of what occurred to allow you to get to the point where you are today.  Just pondering on the direct, miraculous blessings which allowed your AFROTC scholarship and your job could fill pages of a book.  When you imagine all the events that went into all of those around you who were placed in the positions they were in to make decisions or affect in some way those events, it is mind-blowing (e.g. school teachers and administrators, doctors, Air Force Board people, Dennis, etc.).  What I am getting at is that it is not a mistake or simple happenstance that you are where you are.  Heavenly Father wanted you to be where you are.

Here's the important part about that--He did not intervene on your behalf to set you up for catastrophy or failure.  Now, did he know that you might face some challenges?  I am sure of it!  I have taken solace many times in my own life in this simple scripture:  1 Corinthians 10:13  "...God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."  I imagine you don't view this as a temptation.  I would counter that and say that it definitely is because Satan is rooting for your misery and wants you to make choices to make you ever more miserable!  Thus, any time we are up against him, we are being tempted to go against the light of the Savior.

So, what can you do about it?

I remember a story in one of President Hinkley's conference talk some years ago about when he worked for the railroad.  He rode with an engine one night and was a little troubled that the light on the front of the train didn't shine farther along the track.  As I remember, he asked the conductor, "How do you know what's ahead on the track?"  The conductor replied to him that the light shines just enough to show him only as far as he needs to see at any point along the way. 

I am thinking of you snowboarding.  When you get off the lift, you never let what you can't see at the bottom of the hill ruin the ride at the top.  I know it's a simple, silly example, but I think it's true. 

I don't know if you've heard me talk about this before or not.  Bear with me if you have.  It is very applicable.  When Jesus went into the garden to atone for us, he took Peter James and John--probably his 3 best friends at the time, at least his three closest and most trusted Apostles.  Do you remember what he said when he left them at the gate?  He said, "My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death."  

The soul is the combination of spirit and body--so I imagine Jesus standing and looking at his most trusted friends and clutching his hands to his chest when he said that.  If it were in today's language, he would say something like, "This hurts right here.  It hurts so bad I feel like I'm going to die from it!" 

Jordan, it sounds to me like a college kid who starts feeling like his heart is stopping and has pain in his chest, and is worried if he can make it through.

So, then Jesus left and went into the garden.  He first said, in so many words, "Do I really have to do this to be who I'm supposed to be?"  Knowing that it was going to be very hard, I don't know that I could go so far as to say "afraid" of how hard it was going to be, nonetheless, he headed back out to see his friends.  Lame friends, they were asleep. He left, asked the same question in prayer again, and then headed out a second time to gather a little support from his friends. 

I believe if anyone had ever felt anxiety, he HAD to be feeling it when he turned and walked into the garden again that third time.  And, thanks be to God forever, he did it!  Because, in that garden on that third trip in, he faced and conquered not only every sin we would all commit, but rose above every pain that we would ever feel.  What makes it so remarkable, and such a singular event, is that he did it completely alone.  The beauty is that we will never, ever have to endure anything painful alone if we choose to seek him out.  That is all part of the weekly sacrament prayer promise--"that they may always have his spirit to be with them."  They and them are us. 

  

A very short word on your mission call, and your mission.  DON'T WORRY ABOUT THEM!  You've done what you need to do to be worthy and willing.  Get in to your Stk President to finish the process, then let Heavenly Father tell you where he wants you to go, and have faith that you will have a wonderful mission--one day at a time!

And finally, one more favorite scripture.  You can write it on your forearm like a tattoo... 1 Peter 1:7 "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 

This has not been easy, and it will require more work than you have probably ever put into anything in your life.  That's OK.  It's a defining moment.  It's all part of learning who you really are and just how great you really are. 

I love you and can't wait to keep watching you become you.  Dad”

This message from my dad went hand in hand with a scripture that President Butler helped me to find. Moroni 9:22

My son, be faithful in Christ; and may not the things which I have written grieve thee, to weigh thee down unto death; but may Christ lift thee up, and may his sufferings and death, and the showing his body unto our fathers, and his mercy and long suffering and the hope of his glory and of eternal life, rest in your mind forever.

Looking back on what happened, I was able to learn that the savior really loves me and that it is through enduring my trials in life that I acquire and recognize my strength.

Before I end, I’d like to read a poem about hope by Larry Hiller:

Faith walks before me,

Holding up her lamp

As I try not to stumble in the ink-dark hours before the dawn.

Her light illuminates

One step and then another.

Beside me, Hope, arm linked with mine, encourages and steadies.

Sometimes in the tedium,

Distracted by the pain,

My mind begins to wander, then my feet. I hesitate.

Unsure, I look to Hope.

Her hand takes mine.

The touch reminds me of another hand held out to me,

One pierced and scarred

Yet oh so tender

Lifting me and blessing me when I had fallen and despaired.

Remembering,

I move ahead

Buoyed up by Hope, who sees the end with perfect clarity.

You will all go through trials in your lives, and it is by using the hope you have gained from your previous trials and looking to the savior that you will be able to make it, once again increasing your knowledge and hope for the next trial. Because that is what life is really about.

Testimony

   الأَمَلُ   فُسـحةُ   لَولا   العَيشَ  أَضيَقَ   ما

“How tightly constricting life would be, if it were not for the broad horizons of hope!”

منه انحس يجيك تسيبه لانحس معك كان اذا

if the moon is with thee, you don’t need to worry about the stars.

Honesty

I was expecting to fall asleep kinda early tonight but it doesnt look like its gonna happen...
Something that I  have been thinking about a lot lately is how different life would be if everyone could read minds.We wouldnt ask questions anymore, wouldnt usually have to talk, and best of all nobody would be able to lie. Everything we thought would be out in the open for everyone to see. If you didnt like somebody, everyone would know that and the reasons why.

While some people may have problems with this because they would rather not know if people did not like them as it could make them feel bad, I think it would be an overall good thing. It would allow all of us to see exactly what people think about us and why. We could change the bad characteristics we have into good ones and make more people like us. In the end no matter how uncomfortable it would be for the person thinking bad thought, and the person who is being thought about, both will benefit if the person changes what they are doing to counter the bad thought about them.

Imagine you have been walking around school or some other social place all day and when you get home, you look into the mirror and realize that you have whatever you ate that morning stuck in clear site on the front of your teeth very visibly. You realize that everyone you smiled at or talked to had to look at the food on your teeth and it probably made them feeling uncomfortable or awkward. The one thing that would come to your mind is probably why someone did not tell you that you had food stuck in your teeth early on in the day so that you didnt have to go all day before realizing and fixing it.

I realize that I am a person who always wants the complete truth even if it is horribly mean and other people may not feel the same way. But I think that if everyone just spoke their mind and was completely honest all of the time, and we knew what everyone thought about us and the reasons why, then the world would be a better place.

Choices and Consequences

Well today I kind of knew I'd come home and have all day doing nothing. So I figured I'd make a new blog post. The problem is I really have nothing to talk about right now. But after thinking about it, the word consequence popped into my head. Not sure why, but it gives me something to talk about.

Everything we do in life has its consequence. Sometimes seemingly insignificant things can have huge repercussions. Some consequences are good and others are bad.

I think that the main things governing what we do are these consequences, or at least what we expect them  to be. You eat because the consequence is you being full. You go to a party because you believe or hope the consequence is you having fun. You go to your bed at night with the expected consequence of going to sleep. There are also things we do to prevent bad consequences such as swimming while in water so we do not drown.

However, as such is the nature of life, so many things are unpredictable. The expected or even hoped for consequences will many times not occur, or will happen differently than you thought they would. If this was not so, life would be so much easier and we would not have to worry about pretty much anything. We would be able to save all heartbreaks because all of that time and effort we put into relationships would not suddenly amount to nothing, our bank accounts would never be empty because we wouldnt make foolish investments, and we would only feel minimal if any sadness because we would always do things with positive consequences.

In my opinion, choices with definitive, obvious consequences are the easiest to make. Even if you know you will not be happy either way. But these choices do not come often enough. Almost every choice we make, we weigh in our heads and choose the option that we foresee to have to most positive consequences. But with the added chaos that the world and other people bring into the equation, a lot of the time our choices are superfluous. We choose things hoping somehow for some reason they will give us the best outcome.

The other problem with choices is that we often times cannot take them back. Once we know and experience the consequences of making the wrong choices, we wish we could go back and change what we chose. But sadly, this opportunity rarely presents itself.

I could turn this into a post about not judging others because you dont know how the world's chaos affected their superfluous choices, or I could write about the choices I have made in my life. But really, this post has no moral or lesson to teach. In fact, it's just kind of a bunch of rambling that never reaches a conclusion. But to bring closure to this issue, I would first have to fully figure it out. So make what you want of it.

Hope

Today I found out that for my farewell I am going to be speaking on Hope. This came as a relief for me because I hate having to write things on narrow, obvious topics such as my most recent American Heritage paper which had to be done about the Law of Demand. Hope gives me a lot of room to think and come up with something at least semi-original. The more that I think about it, this ties in a lot with my last post.

There are many meanings for hope to me. Actually, one meaning but so many feelings of it. I am sure that for Michael Jordan to accomplish what he did in the NBA,  he had a lot of hope along the way. It was the hope that he could one day play in the NBA and beyond that, the hope that he could be one of the greatest players of all time. Similarly but so different, there is the hope that a certain girl or boy will one day call you and proclaim their love to you. But as I am sure you have all learned, that doesnt always happen and many times it leaves you heartbroken.

It is not so much the feeling of hope while you are hoping that is different in different situations, but rather the feelings after your hope either pays off or amounts to nothing that sets each experience different from the others. So to revise what I wrote above, there is only one hope but many different outcomes which cause many different feelings.

The significance of hope has nothing to do with the feelings that follow it though, but what more tangible things can follow it. What makes the hope Michael Jordan had about his basketball career great is not the joy it brought him, but the great superstar that resulted from the work caused by the hope. Even in situations where hope can hurt - such as if you hope for someone you have a crush on to proclaim their love for you but all they ever do is ignore your existence - you do not lose anything from hoping. If you never hoped for that thing again, you might never experience love.

All of the above is pretty obvious. But if what are important are the tangible changes that come from hope and not the feelings, then even when your hope amounts to nothing to heartbreak, you still can come out a winner. Chances are you wont feel like you won anything, but in the long run you may have picked up small things that will benefit you.

For example, I know many people who have lost control of their lives and gotten into drugs and other things. Just when it seemed like all was lost, they found what they hoped would become their significant other. The problem: the other person probably would not have accepted them or given them a chance in their current situation. So the lovestruck person changed their entire life for the one person that meant more to them than anything they were doing at the time meant to them. Regardless of the life changes, things never worked out and the heartbroken person was left with nothing at all. They most likely felt crushed and confused. However, for one reason or another, they did not go back to drugs or the life they led before. They may have felt horrible at the time, but their life was changed for the better one way or another.

The problem with hope is that the opposite is equally as possible. Big disappointments and letdowns can lead to negative life changes. Sadly, things as small as heartbreak can seem big enough to people that they can lead to drug abuse and worse. So what determines whether a person allows broken hope to change them for the better or worse? Separating your emotions from your thoughts, and allowing yourself to make rational judgements even during emotional stress.

Hope that turns into success has lead to just about every great thing in the world. Hope that fails (if dealt with correctly) can make you a stronger person, and still allow you to come out better than before that idea of hope existed.

So as cheesy as it sounds, hope away. And when it leaves you crushed and broken, remember that there is more life ahead of you and opportunities will come. So while it may feel like the end of the world, it's not.

                                                                       and remember...

 
- a still cloudy minded, oxycodone affected me.

Life

The last few months have been less stressful in comparison to the months before that. I havent had to worry about things like waking up at five every other day for AF and trying to balance school work and sleep. But I am convinced that there is never a moment in life when I wont have concerns and issues I have to deal with. Over the weekend was my birthday, and while I was at the BYU rugby game I noticed my back was hurting a little bit where my kidneys are. It went away quickly but I told my mom I felt like I was probably getting kidney stones again. Then on Tuesday at four in the morning I woke up throwing up and feeling horribly sick. By noon my back starting hurting again so I convinced my mom to take me to the doctor. He quickly told us to go to the hospital where I had CT scans, blood tests, and other tests then got hooked up to an IV. Finally today I was allowed to go home, but we are still waiting for some test results and I am on different meds. I see a lot of this as a blessing as I am leaving in less than a month, and it would have caused more problems in China than it did here. The bad thing is I missed a midterm and have been missing work. Also, as time is running out for me here, I have been trying to fix things with people who I have wronged and tried to determine which people are my true friends and which are fake. This can be one of the most difficult things in the world as many people pretend to be something theyre not, and not very many people are completely honest about everything. Sometimes I wish I could read minds so I didnt have to go off of trust and guesses. If you dislike me, dont pretend to be my best friend, and if you like some things about me but hate other things, please let me know. I feel like not expressing things like that is just fear which to me is the weakest and most disgusting emotion I can think of.

All of my pain med induced rambling does have a point (I think). No matter what you do and how hard you try, you will never be able to control your life completely. The world has billions of other people on it who have their own goals and things they are trying to do. In order for you to control your own life completely youd have to control everyone you come into contact with. To further complicate things, sometimes it is impossible to tell if somebody is who and how they say they are. I cant even count how many people try to convince me theyre one thing or feel one way, then turn around and tell someone else the complete opposite. While you cant control everything that happens to you, that doesnt mean you shouldnt try your hardest to do what you want.

There are two extremes: People who try to control everything and end up unhappy with their lives easily, and people who give up trying to be and do what they want and end up with nothing at all, also unhappy. I believe there is a healthy balance and lately that is something Ive been trying to figure out.

So do ME a favor and don't pretend you are someone or something you arent.
Do YOURSELF a favor and if you are like me and struggle with it, find the balance between trying to control things in your life and letting fate play out.

PS none of this probably made any sense since i havent eaten in the last three days and am on medication haha.