Thursday, May 26, 2011
The last few months have been less stressful in comparison to the months before that. I havent had to worry about things like waking up at five every other day for AF and trying to balance school work and sleep. But I am convinced that there is never a moment in life when I wont have concerns and issues I have to deal with. Over the weekend was my birthday, and while I was at the BYU rugby game I noticed my back was hurting a little bit where my kidneys are. It went away quickly but I told my mom I felt like I was probably getting kidney stones again. Then on Tuesday at four in the morning I woke up throwing up and feeling horribly sick. By noon my back starting hurting again so I convinced my mom to take me to the doctor. He quickly told us to go to the hospital where I had CT scans, blood tests, and other tests then got hooked up to an IV. Finally today I was allowed to go home, but we are still waiting for some test results and I am on different meds. I see a lot of this as a blessing as I am leaving in less than a month, and it would have caused more problems in China than it did here. The bad thing is I missed a midterm and have been missing work. Also, as time is running out for me here, I have been trying to fix things with people who I have wronged and tried to determine which people are my true friends and which are fake. This can be one of the most difficult things in the world as many people pretend to be something theyre not, and not very many people are completely honest about everything. Sometimes I wish I could read minds so I didnt have to go off of trust and guesses. If you dislike me, dont pretend to be my best friend, and if you like some things about me but hate other things, please let me know. I feel like not expressing things like that is just fear which to me is the weakest and most disgusting emotion I can think of.
All of my pain med induced rambling does have a point (I think). No matter what you do and how hard you try, you will never be able to control your life completely. The world has billions of other people on it who have their own goals and things they are trying to do. In order for you to control your own life completely youd have to control everyone you come into contact with. To further complicate things, sometimes it is impossible to tell if somebody is who and how they say they are. I cant even count how many people try to convince me theyre one thing or feel one way, then turn around and tell someone else the complete opposite. While you cant control everything that happens to you, that doesnt mean you shouldnt try your hardest to do what you want.
There are two extremes: People who try to control everything and end up unhappy with their lives easily, and people who give up trying to be and do what they want and end up with nothing at all, also unhappy. I believe there is a healthy balance and lately that is something Ive been trying to figure out.
So do ME a favor and don't pretend you are someone or something you arent.
Do YOURSELF a favor and if you are like me and struggle with it, find the balance between trying to control things in your life and letting fate play out.
PS none of this probably made any sense since i havent eaten in the last three days and am on medication haha.